Half a day, to be more precise. (And gadamit now I'm stressing over the title). Aaaanyways! Got myself half a day off. I didn't have to cover a shift since on mondays a have class. But oh and behold! They actually respect long weekends at my class, so I got to stay home. After thinking for a week what I was going to do, some unexpected news made me re-think everything on Thursday. If you have anxiety and OCD, this can ruin everything. Basically because it will make you re-do your plans, and ends up with over thinking and stressing way waaaaay too much. Finally ended doing the bit of shopping I needed the day before, and took the last minute decision to go buy plants, which I've been wanting to do for over a month. I also decided to clean and make the most of the day; cook, clean, wash, exercise....And this is what happened. After eating and cleaning the dog area, I decided to do some gardening. By the time I was done, and this took only an hour, my legs hurt and I had already been over my to-do list so many times I felt exhausted. What this does to me is, basically, drain all my strength by just thinking to much, the same crap, over and over again. I end up doing nothing, and feeling tired. By the time I go to bed I'm drained and feel extremely guilty for not being able to finish everything I needed to do, and everything I wanted to do. I also tire of thinking I make up excuses, until I feel sore muscles and a headache for not letting anything go. I'm tired, even tho it was a little more relaxed week and weekend that the last 6 I've had.
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
Sunday, October 30, 2016
I've just watched a tv show, and it has one of those eye opening moments (yes, I know, it's sad....wait till I tell you what show!!!) so I was watching crazy ex-girlfriend, and between all the weird stuff, it had one moment. And I felt bad. Why? Well, the girl got told something on the line of you deserve to be with someone that treats you good. And I felt bad. For me. I did a quick look at what the episode was about, and basically, that's me. It sounds bad, so let me get things clear: no, I'm not a crazy ex-girlfriend (weeeeellllll we've all acted a bit crazy once in a while im a right?? No? Just me? Ok then...) on track again please! So the girl finally got the guy, or so she thought. He basically says yes and then no (the reason has nothing to do with my case, cus she actually is, the crazy ex-girlfriend), but in my case, and maybe some of you, you get the boy after he tries and tries, and makes you fall in love and all is good. Then something changes. Usually between the first 4-6 months. I'm actually making this longer than I intended, so i will not go on about brain chemistry and love and crap like that. This was the point: I try. I try, i fall in love, I give, and the worst part is I don't ask in return. I just take what I get and bare and wait and hope I will feel loved.
And that's what hurt. I do deserve someone that treats me right. I do deserve to feel loved! I deserve a hug without having to ask for it. I deserve to go to bed with a smile in my face because someone cares about me and wants the whole world to know!!!
instead, I go to bed mad or sad. And that's not fair. I have felt guilty after finally speaking in my behalf and why I feel abandoned, unappreciated and completely unloved!
So i have to forget!
i have to let go!
i have to stop from falling for you when you finally throw me the smallest gesture, and I have, most definitely, have to start healing from you!
Thursday, September 22, 2016
So I started French this week. It took all my efforts not to curl in a ball and cry when I went to register (tried doing it as simple as possible, ended up doing three stupid trips), but I enrolled and started on Monday. First day, some what ok (teacher needs a teaching class, but I think second day went a bit better). So today we went over numbers, not the whole class, just part of it. And at the end, the teacher did a girls vs boys who could write the numbers faster and correct (obvs). If you suffer anxiety, this sounds like hell! I saw myself tripping, getting all of them wrong, and so on, I was sweating by the time we started (about 20 seconds). And then comes the part where my competitive side comes out and I almost shout at the guy trying to beat me "yeah bitch!" Fortunately I caught myself in time and stopped at "yeah...!" Arms out, triumphant, and two guys asking why are you so intense? Like, wtf? It's a competition!!! And I'm not having an anxiety attack! I'll kick your asses!!!! And then one guy did have a mild attack and I felt bad for him but was to pumped to stop and try to help, cus we were winning. Yes, I suck sometimes. But I won! I mean, we won!!! So there!!
I did end up looking expectedly at the teacher waiting for her to say: and the overall winner is....but she didn't, and I was a little disappointed because she had a Reese's kisses on her table and really was hoping that that was the price, but I went out for tacos afterwards and didn't give myself acid reflux, so I'm counting that as my price, and a double win!
The look on the teacher did seem like she realized what a bad exercise that was (I wasn't the only girl getting overly competitive, and we bonded over that, at least in my head, so I'm counting it). Let's see if we get to do that again! But with chocolate please! Make me want it even more!!!!
Oh! And kudos to me for resisting the urge to grab all the markers, throw all but one, and scream: how you gonna write now bitch?! I did not do that!!!!!
Sunday, September 04, 2016
Sometimes you'll find that something completely random affects you in a way you didn't expect. such is my case, I was watching buzz feed videos the other day (and I tend to find something and obsess over it, so I'm still watching them), and I saw a "when should you brake up with someone", in the single vs married vids. So maybe not a blow in the dark, I mean, it's right there in the title right? But when my favorite character (is it a character? I have no idea how to call them, actors? Personas? Help!!!) well, the single part of the video, said, point blankly, you should brake up when you first think about breaking up.
so did this make me break up with my partner? No, not really. But it did make me think. I've never been a quick break, strong, self-loving kind of girl. I'm more of a keep quiet, hold on, you can make it, fuck this shit!!!! Kind of gal. Yes, not ok, I'm well aware of it. Anyways, it did make me think that at least years back, it didn't take me long to end a relationship. I could detect when I was making excuses for the guy, mostly for my self (he's tired, he didn't want to, he loves you but, you don't deserve him), take some time to gather myself and quickly make the decision to end things. It would hurt, yes, but it was for the best. I was not happy, and clearly they weren't either, or why act like ass-holes?
But my last relationship, well, that was fun!!! I won't go into it much, basically I admitted that I had depression and anxiety, and used him as crutches, so it was hard to let go of a abusive and loveless thing. And that brings us back to now. I saw the video and I started to wonder, when was the right time to break up with someone?
How long do you wait to end things? How long is it ok to keep up with some (or a lot) of crap? I realized she had it right. If you think of breaking up with someone (really think it), it means something is not right. And being humans, the chances of having a real talk about that thing that caused the thought, or actually pin pointing what did, and being willing to change and/or fix it, are small, slim, next to none (don't get mad at me, some people out there are good at this, and are willing to hear and change if it's reasonable, obviously), so when you first think it should be over, it actually should be over.
Maybe you don't agree, and I don't live by this philosophy (yet don't call me hypocrite, I'm only emptying my mind here), but think about it. If something bothers you, and you're not able to talk it through, it will probably eat at you, slowly, maybe not every day, but growing, until to start to resent that person, until you end up wondering more frequently what the hell happened? Why are you begging for affection? Why are you constantly worrying he/she will end things? Why are you hoping they will? (Yet would be devastated and pissed if they did it before you) Why do you end up remembering how good it was before? (And hoping for it to go back to that) Why are you thinking more and more that maybe, maybe, you should brake up?
so just a thought
the video is on buzzfeed, single vs married, Ned and kelsey (who is the best btw), just in case you were wondering (and just in case you are easily led to YouTube videos to waste your day, in which case you are welcome!!!)
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
I've struggled most of my life with my body. By that, I don't mean weight issues, twice yes, but i mean I've hated my body.
I always thought it was normal. You see girls talking about how they hate their bodies in movies and tv, and so you look at yourself and think, well crap! If that perfect girl thinks she's fat, I've got biiiig trouble!!!! And then my friends also complained about stuff, so it seemed the normal thing to do.
I grew up thinking I had a really bad, thick, chubby, squishy body. Even when I was doing 2 to 4 hours of exercise a day, yes, that much!
So what was wrong with me? What's still wrong with me?!
Yesterday I was doing cardio, I don't usually do that kind of work out, I'm more a yoga girl, but because I need it to control my anxiety and depression. And ten minutes into the class, I looked down, saw my belly, and had a full on anxiety crisis. I ended in fetal position on my mat, trying to control my hyperventilation and trying to stop the tears. At that moment not only was I thinking "what I'm a doing? Nothing I do helps me look good! Why even try?" But I went full on " what the fuck I'm a doing?!"
after I managed to calm down, I did a relaxing yoga sequence and managed to calm down. So what happened? Was my belly so awful? Was the work out too much?
Well it did take me a while, but I finally admitted my dysmorphia. It's not extreme (at least I hope so), but enough to not see what people say they see, and definitely enough to make me hate my body at times. But why? Plain old tv? Well...
i grew up being told I had a belly. More so, I was made fun for wearing spandex shorts at age 7. By my dad. And was constantly terrorized by him, even today, 24 years later, I use a ball to compare my belly at times; it looks like a swallowed a ball. I had anorexia for a year, never told anyone (while it was going on, told plenty after), and I hate tight clothes, I just started using yoga pants almost a year after I started yoga. I used to wear pants, and when I used the only yoga pant I had, I felt fat, stuffed in there, and I never left my house like that.
So today, as a part of trying to get better, hoping to help someone who's going through something similar, but mostly because I don't want to have a crisis every time I see my belly or a body roll, I'm accepting I don't see my body as it is, but as a distortion of what it actually is.
I want to change. I want to feel good.
Saturday, August 20, 2016
I've talked about relationships, not so much here I think, but a little, and what I've found is that love makes girls stupid (maybe guys too, but i lack the expertise there).
My friend wrote to me the other day, saying she had been dumped. Obviously I asked what happened, and tried to be supportive and caring; don't worry he'll be back, he'll realize what he lost, you are worth so much more! Bla bla bla
Thats it till she told me what happened. Basically they got into an argument that started because she made a face at something and things exploded after that. I wasn't there, but I'm guessing it was a bit more than just a face (he can't be such an ass right?) well, then she told me how he handled it, and basically he made a tantrum and dumped her. The main reason for the fight was what made me mad. Not cool. So I went from don't worry, to maybe it's for the best (yes I know, that's a big no-no when it just happened, we are blocked of all reason and judgment), anyway, they broke up, or should I say, they stopped dating.... This is where it gets interesting, or infuriating. She told me how much she loved him, how he was the one...not very relevant, except, that they've been going out for 6 months, never made it formal, he has been very clear about that, and a couple of weeks ago, they had a sort of "talk". He told her when they should think of getting married and having kids. At first she said she was confused, even scared, a week later she said she was excited and couldn't believe this was happening. Well...after the fight, she forwarded some of the after texts, and this were two of the things that really pissed me off!! He wrote: it's a good thing I didn't ask you to be my girlfriend last month, we would of broken up yesterday (they've been going out for 6 months!!!!), and then: I can't believe what a total psycho you are! And used that word to describe her on three more texts. I won't say she kept her cool, but she did not, at any point insult him or used emotional stuff to hurt him like he did!
Now, why the f are you talking wedding and kids if you can't make your relationship formal??
and then there's the first incident! One time they went out, ran into some friends of his when they were leaving the restaurant, when the check came, she took out her wallet since she had said: come on, I'll buy us lunch. He reacts by telling her, infront of his friends, to put her wallet away, that he is paying. She obliged, they got in the car, and after a minute of silence, she asks what's wrong, and he proceeds to yell at her: don't you ever!!! Do that again, specially infront of my friends! I'm the man, I pay.
Well uber man, my friend is older than him, working, and making good money. He is an intern, and is making less than a 100 dollars a month (closer to 50 actually), so his mom is paying for him!!! Where's you fucked up macho attitude now bitch?!!!!
yep, sorry, got a bit mad there
Well, now it seems she's forgiven him, well no, actually, HE forgave HER!!! They are back to dating, and she has basically said yes, it's ok to yell at me, yes, you can insult me and call me a psycho, yes, I'll do what you want, and I'll behave...
The way I see it, by putting a "future" in sight, he made her feel happy, calm, loved. And when he took it away, she was obviously lost!!! Who wouldn't? But that is no future!!!! She is willing to change but he isn't??? (That was in the texts, yes, she'll change for him but knows he won't change) How messed up is that?????????
I am pissed, I am mad, I want to help her realize how much she is worth and how little this asshole is!!!! I want her to know she doesn't have to settle, she shouldn't have to change, and that it's not love, it's the idea of love!!!
Well, I've rant, I know I should be talking to her, not writing it here (no she doesn't know this blog exist or I wouldn't be doing this), but I think she would feel attacked and get defensive, and we would end fighting, so can't do it right now
Thanks for your ears
Friday, August 12, 2016
I barely post. Sometimes I can get in a mood and post a lot, most of the time, I don't. I started this blog because I wanted to share most of what's up in my head, but found it hard after some months. If you look at my overall post, I was doing fine at the begging, then kind of forgot about it. I have a great excuse!! I was doing my medical internship and then my social service, it wasn't that easy to post on my blog (I'm still trying to get with all this technology mind you), and now, well now it's just me.
Here is how it goes. I love books, I've always lived books. I've always dreamed of writing a book. So why don't I? Same as my blog. I get in the way. I haven't even sat down and I'm already thinking I won't be able to write, or if I do, it won't be good. On my heads defense, because of my anxiety, I can start getting of topic and end up ranting about something completely different , and usually of topic. So back to my writing. Most of the day, it terrifies me to try and write, and sometimes I don't even think about it, until night. And when I say night, I mean 1-2 am when I can't sleep, and a whole new problem arises! I know I should sleep, I want to sleep!!! But using my phone or tablet (computer is out of the question here, but I do consider it sometimes) will wake me up even more. Then I think, well, if my mind wants to write at this hour, I could change my sleep/wake hours and try writing. But work, and responsabilities, and just thinking that I will get a "you JUST woke up?" text, that always makes me feel ashamed, I end up laying in bed, thinking I need to sleep and I'll write tomorrow. I wake up late and tired, and go throu the whole thing the next day. And when I think about writing on the next day, I've mostly forgotten what I wanted to say.
so this post isn't what I wanted to write at 2am. It's actually what I'm feeling now, tired, trying to remember what I wanted to say some hours ago, and thinking I can't sleep because I have to return to work at 2pm, and if I want to have breakfast and eat before, i should only take a nap, but those rarely go well for me.
oh hum! For now, I'll go get breakfast (which I've been thinking about since 10 pm!!) then I'll consider that nap.
Wednesday, July 06, 2016
So I got (maybe) baby spiders in my eyes.
It started earlier, I was doing a bit of gardening (which was basically cutting two dried plants), and as I left the hose to do its thing on its own, I went inside because I was draining coffee oil. I multitask, but mostly because I start doing several things one after the other and then have to run to move the hose before it spills, turn the oven/stove off, you get the point. So I was putting the last of the oil, when I noticed something moving right I front of my right eye, I thought it was a hair or a mosquito, but then I finally focused and ohmyfrikinggaaaaaaaad its a spider!!!!!!! A managed to put the stuff I was holding without freaking out and throwing it, and successfully smashed that mutantninjakiller spider with my hands, aaaaaand then I felt something in my eye. I ran for a mirror, because of course it could only be the baby spiders hatching in my right eye, and I would have to smash some more and then take a shower in pure alcohol. Turns out it was just the spiders web, the little ass had somehow gotten in my eyelashes and descended from there. I'm still looking into the mirror every time I feel something in my eye, but I'm guessing (hopping) I won't have hatching spiders waking me up anytime soon. I hope.
Tuesday, July 05, 2016
So we basically become morons when we are "in love".
Let's be honest, we all have done it, maybe not always, but usually we do, and specially when we are with complete a..holes. What is it about people treating us like crap that makes us dumber and dumber?
when my friends seek advice in their love life, I'm usually very practical. Are you happy? Is he/she happy? Do you feel loved? Can you trust him/her? And stuff like that. But when it comes to me, I've found I tend to lie, a lot! And not to my partner, to my friends. I usually upgrade and adorne my relationship because I tend to feel ashamed. Yes, I get ashamed of my love life because it tends to be bad. Before I wrote this, I was having one of those rare moments where you are wandering what the fuck??! I'm I doing here. It seems the worst I'm treated, the more I try to hold on, and create a separate life than I'm actually having. How's that? Well, when people ask me, I only mention the good, and since the bad is usually greater, I lie. I exaggerate the good times, the funny moments and specially the romantic moments. I've had 0 romance in years. Well, I've been single for 5 of them, but I'm over a year in a relationship, and still, 0. But I lie. Everything is great, and beautiful and there is love all around!!!!! Yes, but it comes from my dogs, and mostly, my mind. So why? Why do we put up with such horrible situations? Not love. We become stupid. To hold on to the idea that the other person will realize what a great partner they have, how much you love them, and decide to change. Please tell me if it has ever happened! It doesn't. The worse part, is when it hits you, that those sweet moments at the beginning, was just him/her trying to make you fall in love. And once you fall, they don't need to try anymore, they forget about you, they only take. If you're strong and confident enough, you might mention it, and you'll get I'm sorry and I'll change, I'll make it up and give me another shot. So you do. But by then, you already know, it won't happen. And yet you stay. You wait. You hope. You hold on tight to the rare moments of affection and continue dreaming. By the time you finally realize what a crappy situation you're in, is too late. You are "in love". But the thing is, you are not in love with this person, you are in love with love, with the idea of love. And I blame, and always will, tv and movies. Yes, since I can remember chick flicks show us what love is supposed to be; you meet a guy, you fall in love, you might have hard times, but he'll realize how much he loves you, make a grand gesture and you'll live happily ever after. Bull shit. You meet a guy, if you're lucky his not a complete ass, and you'll have to work to make things work. But the chances of him (or her) not being an ass, are low. So, if you're lucky, you'll end things when they start to go wrong, and leave with a bit of dignity and some self love, if you're not, and usually aren't, you'll stay as you watch from some far away bleachers how your self love and worth go down down down, making it so much harder to leave, to end this soul consuming thing, and pick up what's left of you.
So why do we turn into morons when we're in love? I don't know. But it seems like hold on to a dream, and overlook everything until we are in to deep, and can't get out.
if only life imitated art. Or the other way around! We would be prepared (yes, there are movies out there not so chick-flicky, but few, and most do have a "happy" ending).
All I can say, is people lie, at the beginning of a new relationship because you want to be wanted, and during a, usually bad, relationship, because they're ashamed.
Tuesday, June 07, 2016
So I have four dogs. And I love them. And they are spoilt! Very, very spoiled.
I know I'm not the only one, and I'm not even close to the worst ones, but still.
i recently read, mind you, saw, a segment of Cesar Millan about this. And he said it was a type of animal cruelty, basically becaus you are not letting your dog be dog. At first I was kind of pissed, I mean, I'm not cruel to them! I love them! And I also have an on going fight with my dad about him wanting grandchildren and me having dogs...
Any way, I kept thinking about it, and it does make sense, and sometimes I excuse myself with many things (one is very old and has a hip problem, another one has breathing problems, the smallest one throws herself to the ground when I try taking her on walks, etc). So I won't make it long, I have insomnia (but that's something for another time), and my mind passed from when the new the expandables movie is coming out, and a dog a lost over 5 years ago. And every time I think of her, I get sad. I had her since she was a puppy, and she was with me throu university, I had her 6 years, and then she was stolen. Or that's what my neighbors gardener thinks. And today I ended up thinking of her, and how smart she was, and how much I missed her. And I remembered how she never got on the furniture unless invited. And how I now sleep with four dogs and a cat in my bed. And it hit me. When I lost her I started letting my other dogs on the sofa and bed, because I wanted them close. I needed them close. So im thinking maybe my guilt is hurting them, I'm spoiling them and not letting them "dog" because I can't have my dog with me.
Well then I look at them snoring next to my feet and I'm fine, I play with them, I don't humanize them too much (I think), but will make an effort to take to their needs.
And I will always miss my girl.
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
It's been a mess!!! 😆 I tried bs/acv it was horrible!!! My hair was soo oily!!! And dry!!! My hair was crying!! 😕 I read about the transition period, I waited over 6 months (that's commitment!!!) and nothing. After that, I read about the ph of both, a blogger did a test (since a lot of no pooer claim the water balances the mixture) it took a dilution of another dilution (un cup bs 20 cups water, then 1 cup of that in 20 cups water to even make a difference in the ph) to make enough a difference! Ok, not the point of what I started writing...
So I had read about using hibiscus as a shampoo. The recipe called for dried hibiscus flowers, grind them to a fine powder, then make a paste. I made hibiscus water a couple of days a go, so i figured, use the flowers for the shampoo!! I put them in the blender and made a "paste" 😶 This made me feel really good, very ingenious!! Well....my shower is not speaking to me at the moment 😒 Yep that big of a mess. As of the results? Well, it took a looooong time to get rid of the pieces of flowers jiji, then I did a acv rinse, since it felt a bit mm pasty? Anyway, my hair is a bit greasy, not as much as it gets with castille soup, but some. It's still drying, so I have to wait.
For the meantime, I'll grind the flowers before if a keep experimenting with this 😕
If someone has a shampoo that works, please share!! 😊 Let's trade recipes
Friday, May 13, 2016
You have been saving her spot
Then why hurt me?
Why make me save her space?
Why make me fall in love soo deeply?
Why make me hurt soo?
I asked for truth
The one thing I asked you was to tell me the truth, however painful
But lie after lie after lie after lie
Here I am
And what can I expect?
Looking at her
Remembering me at the last minute (at least you did)
And it hurts
So I ask myself
Where is the strong girl?the fighter?
Where am I????
Friday, May 06, 2016
I don't want to go back to sleep. I'm scared.
Wednesday, April 06, 2016
Sometimes that's how your whole day feels like. So you can't gather the strength to get dressed and go out. It can get so bad, that instead of going 5 blocks to the supermarket to get food, you eat whatever you can find. That can go from pasta with tomato sauce, if you're lucky and you still have useful things left, to pasta with just an oil and salt and pepper "dressing ", to cereal without milk. For dinner. And when you sit down and eat your delicious meal, you think to yourself: nice! I make something out of a bad situation, I didn't even have to go out. But when you're done, and it hits you, you couldn't even go out to get food. Have the smallest of interaction with people, and get food. You'll rather eat dry cereal than get out of your pajamas and go out. This makes you realize what time it is. Most of the day is gone by now, so actually trying to do something just doesn't seem worth it. It's gone. So off to bed we go, trying not to give in and stay awake most of the night, so you can get a good night sleep, wake up early and seize the day! But when you finally put down the book you're reading, helping you escape reality, it's almost midnight, and you lay awake trying to ignore the diferente voices in your head telling you how much you suck, and much you'll continue to suck, no matter what. So this wakes you up even more than you already are, and decide that no, you won't suck! Tomorrow you will actually do something!! You'll stop being afraid! Stop pitying yourself and do! And now is almost 2 am, which means you will not wake up early, and the voices laugh at you, not hard, they are laughing at themselves thou, but just enough for it to hurt, and make you weak, and fold in half as you lay awake in bed and start feeling bad once again.
Let's do this again tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
And the paranoid thoughts are becoming more constant, more hurting and harder to distinguish from reality
I spent 99% of my energy yesterday cleaning just one room, that was 20 minutes, tops! The other 1% was spent trying not to go back to bed. After an hour, it was spent. So I slept. I made myself wake up, because my roommate came home, and I was ashamed of her seeing me like that. Then I had some more energy, so I decided to go buy things I needed and had been pushing back. Forgot the ink cartridge, and didn't know the number, so that was a wasted trip. And made me not at home when you went by. So I tried to sleep. After 3 am I gave up. But today was the same. I just feel like letting go. Giving up. I had a quick thought of crashing my car, good thing it was just a second and it passed.
I feel lost.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
But when I think about it, an overwhelming sense of doing something I don't want to comes over me. Then, a feeling of complete failure if I even try, and letting down so many people, and hearing others say that was expected of me.
I feel stuck, but just because I was forced to think about it today. Yesterday I was fine. I heard my roommate how sad she felt, and how she didn't want to go to any of her jobs because they didn't fill her. And I felt bad, because I was thinking I was going to read that night, and was deciding what.
I love my job, maybe I could look for a better one (same field that's not even a question), but I don't want to think of my job as something horrible. I don't want to not want to go to work. I don't want my job to make me sad.
I know if I tried to do something more, I would love it. I always do. But I don't want to lose what little of me I've gotten back. I don't want to miss the simple days. Not again.
I don't want to stop reading again, or miss my dogs, or home.
I don't want to feel like this because of you! Because the main problem is that every time you "casually" bring it up, you make me feel ashamed, you make it sound like I've accomplished nothing, and that I'm a failure to you. I can't stop feeling anxious when I see the call, because I know how fucked up I'll feel afterwards.
It's been a month I think, that I've notice my insomnia coming back. It's not to bad, yet. But instead of falling asleep quickly, I toss and turn, and think and re-think. the I fall asleep, but it's a very superficial sleep, and I wake very easy, and that's when it goes wrong (the thinking ). I've tried just lying there. I know I'll make it worse if a grab my phone, tablet, book, but it's getting harder just tossing and turning.
Monday, February 08, 2016
If the beginning was founded upon lies
Can the love be matched?
If it was never there to begin with
Should you move forward and accept what it is?
If it was never true
The lying, the new age cheating, the ignoring and pushing aside
The pain that you let this happen, over and over, even if you like to think of yourself as strong
Hearing your heart break, every passing day
How horrible you feel when with a kiss, he puts it back together
To hold a bit longer, to take one more punch, to stand one more push
And you smile
For today maybe he realized he loves you
Today, he might see you as you see him
So you stand along him, supporting, chearing, caring
Even if he never looks at you
Even if you are invisible
And everyday you break
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Hoy me quede dormida, la elli me despertó en la madrugada para ir al baño, debo ser más firme antes de dormir en que vaya al baño. Al parecer me engaño
Y al soñar mi alarma, según yo tuve cuidado y le puse snooze, pero al parecer no, pues la apague
Pero eso me permitió soñar. A veces así pasa, los sueños más vívidos que tengo son entre estos momentos. Son de día. Habían casas, huía, zombies? No se, eso no era parte clave de la historia. Una casa en particular, no entre, pase de lado. Era una casa vieja, así que imagine su interior. De ahí segui, de frente había una casa adaptada a un café, así que decidí ir. Antes de cruzar la calle me detuve (en parte por el tráfico), pero también por qué no traía un libro. Iba sola a un café, y no llevaba un libro. Leer del celular es muy cansado. Pero conocía a la dueña, así que igual entre, revisamos cosas viejas que aún tenía, quería hacer una limpieza. Me llevo a la parte de atrás, y había gente que conocía, de mis días antes. Platicamos, luego llegó una amiga. Traía un tipo de helado/smoothie, no sé que era, pero pude probarlo, así pasa en mis sueños aveces. Así que trataré de hacerlo, no se veía difícil. Luego me dejaron sola, iban por cosas. Me desperté.
No es todo lo que soñé, pero lo que omito, es por qué duele mucho recordarlo.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Hoy llegue a casa y no me dormí. No estaba tan cansada
Vi unas series, tomé café, y ahorita seguiré con el curso de uro
Después, iniciare el curso de Shakespeare que te comenté, empiezo un poco atrasada, pero me pondré al corriente :) también me inscribí en un curso rápido de disfagia, para dar un repaso y estar al corriente con el manejo integral del paciente. El curso es inglés, y tal vez varían los medicamentos, pero puedo comparar y mejorar mi manejo. Aún continuó con el curso de escritura, llevo escritas un par de cosas como parte de las tareas, y lo que podría ser el inicio de una historia. Esto es nuevo para mí, así que veremos cómo se desarrolla esto. Hoy trabajas en varios lugares, tienes poco tiempo para comer y menos para pensar. No te mal pases, llévate algo para comer entre clases. Qué tengas un bonito día
-hoy quería una hamburguesa. Pensé en pedirla, llevo días con antojo de una en especial. Y recordé.
Comería una, en vez de la mitad de dos.
-buenas noches que puedas dormir, te extraño
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Sunday, December 06, 2015
And now I regret not staying shut-up
I thought I was doing right
Not bothering, letting things be
And yet again you show me just how wrong I can be
I don't get why you play me
I don't know why you keep me
If you hate me so much
If there isn't love
Why won't you just leave me?
Stop hurting me so
What's the point of dragging this on?
Of being loving and caring when you feel me go
But turning around the second I think,
Maybe, just maybe, I'm wrong
And love is what you feel
Tuesday, September 01, 2015
Let's hug and kiss and public like a normal couple
Let's pretend tonight that we are in love and everything's fine
Hold my hand like you actually want to
Hug me tight and never let go
Kiss me in public, melt my fears away
Show me you love me, it's not all pretend
The moment you choose to leave
There is no trace of me in your life
No one will know
You will forget
The moment you leave me
I'll be surrounded by painful memories
I'll delete photos that I have shared
I will cry and hurt
I want my good nights
I need my "good morning"
But begging for them is slowly killing me
Not accepting I'm not your forever
Is taking a toll
How could I let my walls down?
Years just melted away for you
How can I love you this much?
If I'm nothing to you
I still have to figure out what was the plan?
Why did you seek me?
Why make me dream?
Sunday, August 02, 2015
No sabes callar en un mundo donde no esta bien sentir
No sabes esconderte en un lugar dondo no debes romperte
Seguir las reglas fue lo que te quebró la primera vez
Tratar de rehacerte es un enorme error
Que tu mente este revuelta, tus ideas confundidas,
Tus sentimientos hirviendo y mezclados entre si,
Son los que harán que pierdas todo,
Son los que te dejaran sola de nuevo,
Donde una vez te diste cuenta que debías estar,
Pero tontamente quisiste amar,
Y aun, no sabes callar
Por que no permaneces en silencio? Aunque duela por dentro
Por que tienes que mostrar lo que sientes? Si nada bueno queda
Por que te ilusionas? Si sabes que no hay quien te cache,
Cuando inevitablemente caigas
Te rompas de nuevo
Y le extiendes tus brazos
Le gritas por favor
Le suplicas con los ojos que te quiera
Y que te paso?
Te dormiste llorando otra vez?
Despertaste con miedo hoy?
Tu corazón late rápido con cada minuto que pasa y no sabes nada de el?
Tu cabeza te esta diciendo que ya sabes que sigue? Pero tu sigues con la esperanza de un hola,
un buenos días, como estas? Un te quiero
Pero por que quieres llorar?
Tu sabes que sigue
Sola otra vez
The mental pain is greater than the one my body feels
No cuteness noticed
No love demonstration felt
How dumb to think I could finally be me
How stupid to believe you would be the one to notice
And my heart still jumps when I hear from you
My stomach turns thinking that's you
No flowers no thank yous
And yet I still believe
One day you'll notice
One day you'll care
One day you'll see all I do all I feel
Till then I'll keep dreaming
I'll stay in my far away land
Where your face lights when you see me
Your heart beats faster when you think of me
When your mind is on me
And you've stopped all the lying
For you've finally love me
I'll stay gone
For I only keep hurting myself
And I don't want to hurt you
I'll say goodnight to myself
For none is coming from you
Saturday, July 11, 2015
O sera que asi de mal quede
Sera todo distinto
O seras igual que el
Trato, trato, realmente trato de no dejar mi mente correr
Pero cuando las acciones se vuelven exactamente las mismas
Es tan difícil creer, que pudiera haber otra explicación
Ya intente justificarlo, ya intente ignorarlo
Como puedo creer que sea solo yo quien crea complicados laberintos,
Cuando las cosas son rectas, claras, y no todo debe doler
Si haces lo mismo por lo que ya pase
Si te portas igual como quien me daño
Tener que pelear conmigo misma para evitar gritar que me quiero morir
Cerrar los ojos tan fuerte, que las lagrimas no puedan fluir
Sentir que a pesar de que te vas con otras, en mente tal vez
Seré yo quien te aparte, por no saber, poder explicar lo que siento,
O explicar de mas
Quiero enseñarte como ya has grabado tu nombre
Pero yo en ti no lo logro
Como quiero presumir al mundo entero que te tengo
Pero tu te niegas a mostrarme
Seré tan bruta que seguiré las mismas huellas que ya antes he pisado?
Será que las cosas son mas sencillas y tan solo debo preguntar?
O recuerdo ya haberlo hecho, obtenido una respuesta
Aceptado esta, con sonrisa, para luego entender que es a mi a quien escondes
Por que no eres así con el resto del mundo
Por que no eras así en otras vidas
Por que me escondes con quien hablas
Y escondes que hablas conmigo
Seré por siempre quien te ame
Y permaneceré en la sombras, un recuerdo vago, cuando te deshagas de mi
Seré quien llore por las noches
Mientras hagas a otras sonreír
O estaré de plano loca?
Donde tan solo debí preguntar
Y aun así, no quiero saber, aun no
Ya que de ambas formas te pierdo
Cualquier respuesta estará mal
Por que ya se, ya lo viví, se que sigue, se que es
Friday, July 10, 2015
Asking to be caught
And no arms go up
So I'll eventually hit the floor
The blow won't be the worst
What hurts more is that I was hopping it would be you
I wouldn't need to feel scared any more
For I would know your arms would be there to catch and hold me
I need your hug but I don't dare ask
I need you to say you love me, not just me too
I need to feel it's real, and not just dreath the day you'll leave me
I need to know I'm your one and only
Saturday, June 27, 2015
But there is no moon to guide my way
It's warm, sticky warm, but still I keep shivering
I've gone silent, but the voices grow loud
It's me again, all because of me
Trying to stay positive grows harder
An imminent end seems to come
And I keep blaming myself
For the fairytale promises once made
And broken, dust covered, in a corner
What started to be a beating heart
Is getting slower, silent almost
Longing for a touch
Wishing for a kiss
Hoping to still be loved
And yet you know none will come
Our fate you decided long, long ago
But you refused to let go
I refuse to let go
I don't know about you
But for me, is because I am in love
Thursday, June 04, 2015
Will keep wondering if it's time to get up and catch it
And all I'll hear is wait! Not just yet
I thought it was a sane voice trying to protect me
I felt it was the right thing to do
Now all I can do is watch
See everyone and everything go by
As I keep on daydreaming of all that was supposed to be
Hard as I tried, still I dove heart first, not waiting to feel the waters
Not looking for a tide
And all I can do is wait and see if I drown, wait and see if I float
For being rescued seems far far gone
I can't recall just when it changed, but it was fast, it left none alive
Am I wrong? Is it me again? Do I read too much into things?
Or is it just how it's meant to be?
My fears could be real, my head could be right, it's me, just me, and thats how I should be
Little by little, I'll stop waiting,
At first for small things,
At large, of everything
Give me enough time,
And I'll get stronger
Neglect me some more,
And you'll never find me
Keep forgetting about me
And when you open your eyes
I'll be long gone
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
a little girl introduced to fairy tales
to a magical world of princesses and princes, witches, ogres, fairies, and everything else
and her mind goes off
day in day out, her head is filled with wonderful stories, she can visit different worlds, magical worlds, with just closing her eyes, and her heart starts to believe in true love
reading her stories, watching the movies, playing every day, dreaming every hour
she hopes, she knows, one day her blue prince will come and take her off her feet
and thats the moment everything goes wrong
the years go by, and she starts to like real boys, and the feeling of meeting her one and true love seems closer every day, she can almost grasp it
so she closes her eyes, and lets her mind go as only she knows how
and the day comes, when she meets her first love
a beautiful day, a great day
and he likes her back
her story just begins
her nightmare is just about to begin
shes introduced to a world of donts
shes introduced to a part of her head she never knew
she never met
she wasnt warned about it either
but still, she is young, heart and mind futile
and makes the decision to look for a different love
since no blue prince has met her yet
she needs to keep looking
she makes her first mistake
being liked by someone, being adored
its not the same as love, its not enough to love,
even like, someone
so she waits, she doesnt have to wait long
she meets prince charming
she feels magic
she feels love
she feels special
the are roses, dozen of roses
calls, text, letters
everything is special
she feels special
and the it ends
she learns whats like to loose love
to feel empty
to wantto curl in a corner and just die
but she gets up
its hard, its really hard,
and hurts like hell,
but she does it
some time latter another boy
this one just adores her (again)
hes sweet, funny, knows what he wants
a perfect guy
and her heart is still with that one sweet prince
and she misses the roses, the sweet smell of the roses
and the feeling she got when one appeared
so she breaks his heart
and keeps remembering that one great one
and keeps hoping he was not the one
that her prince is yet to come
by now her head is just swirling,
sweetly whispering in her ears,
-you see? its gone, it wasnt even real, wasnt even going to work, it will never work, it will never happen, and if it does, youll find a way to fuck it all up. can you feel it? its just you, no happy ending, no prince charming, just a life of being alone
even a whisper can make you want to cry
and hearing it come from your own mind?
the one that makes you travel all those wonderful worlds
it takes a long, long time to fully understand what lives up there
and so one day, he is there
he is blond, blue eyes, thin, muscular, wow!!!
and he smiles at her
she is gone, gone, gone
and after a while?
he wants her!
her head lies dormant, she couldnt be happier
she is floating through life
time goes by, she might get weird thoughts, strange feelings,
but she pushes them back
they are not real
they cannot be
and little by little, she forgets to dream
she feels there is only one way to be
and that is to make him happy
to do as he says
she feels she is worth something,
only because he is with her
so one day it had to end
she should of just let it go,
but she couldnt
she felt as if it was her fault,
she had failed because she was loosing him
and the worst part? all her fears had been proven right
the bad feelings shed had? spot on
but she pushed trough them
she thought she could forgive...
and the voice became two
the whisper was no more,
it was loud and clear
and it was all her fault
she let herself be taken into the darkness,
be wrapped in its blankets, and feel warm
she felt at home
she was not taken that day
and what hurt more was not knowing what she had tried
but waking up and realizing she was still here
it took a week of physical pain
but she got up
and she met him
he was like her
he liked to dream
and most of all, he liked to laugh, and loved to make her laugh
it was great at the beginning, it was perfect
but he was not
he could not cope with her life
he doubted everything
and she had met someone else
had chosen him over,
but her heart could not let go
it took a while for her to realize this,
and the voices came to her again
she broke his heart
he broke her heart
but it took her a long time to realize that they where even
it might not have been equal, but the end result was the same
two broken hearts
and a lot of blame to pass around
some not too close a prince candidate came by
she knew that
but at the time it was fun
and again she met him
the one she thought it could be
he knew what he wanted,
and he wanted her
and again, the doubt
the voices in her head telling her it was a lie
making feel she was less than nothing
she was just a thing to make time
she went back to that time she dismissed her feelings,
she thought she was wrong, and how bad it had gone
so she decided to end it before her heart broke
and it was bad
letting go when you love someone? terrible
letting go when someone loves you? horrible
and then the real relationship began
the voices grew
not two, or three,
too many to count
too many to keep track of
they made her relive everything
they explained how everything had been her fault
they tried to explain to her why every fairy tale she had ever read was a lie
that some people did get their happy ending, but it just wasnt made for her
she would roam alone, she would feel alone
but she just had to deal with it
it was just the way it was
she learned to escape this world
she had remembered how to let go,
to fall in order to go
she could spend hours away
she was happy there
but keeping the voices away was hard
since she no longer had someone,
and the continuous reminder that no one would love her didnt do much to her now
they changed their tune
she is worth nothing
getting out of bed was hard
smiling was hard, but trying to explain what was wrong was not an option,
she was warned against it
every single time
every single relationship
every voice in her head
you must not complain
it hurts? just the fuck up!
no one cares!!!!
and you are wrong
so try to find an escape
a way out
something to make you feel alive again
and here comes one of the biggest mistakes
she made the decision
and she made herself believe thats just what she wanted
the voices kept talking, but she ignored them
they had made her feel worthless so many times,
she felt it was time to tune them out,
to try and trust, to try and feel
and here is the kicker
they where right
she could try and ignore them
she could let the feeling pass, that something was wrong
and she tried
little by little,
day by day
she got smaller
smiling was painful
waking up was hard
and every day he reminded her she was supposed to love him
to serve him
to treat him like he deserved
but get nothing in return
thats the way it was
it was hard
it was too long
she was almost gone
having to deal with wanting to kill
she could handle that
but when she thought i kill him or i kill me
that was enough
she had pardoned too much
she had let go so many things
and her head spoke again
we told you soo
we warned you
you will always be alone
there is no one out there that could ever love you
and the few ones that could, are not true,
will only hurt you
there is no one, who can deal with you
we will make sure of that
the second you think everything is going right
we'll come back
we'll mess it up
just try us
and boy did they
so i guess im supposed to be alone
or ill just fuck everything up
and no one deserves that
specially someone i love
but im done with the chick flicks
done with the fairy tales
i cant let myself believe in prince charming or happy endings
because its not happening to me
and then i see you
and all the promises i made myself are gone
thank you soo much
i was beginning to hope
i was madly in love
but you wont let me be
youll always fill my head with every single thought, feeling, dread, and make feel i dont deserve this
and hell if its working
im making it go wrong
im messing everything up
im making you want to run
im hurting myself
i feel i dont deserve love
could it be that at the end it will be just me with my head?
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Ya sea que nos lleve a la siguiente cuadra, o a cientos de kilómetros de aquí
Pero te pido que sea conmigo, ya sea con sol o luna
Lo que no entendiste es que mi aventura es la tuya, y que te pido que la tuya sea la mía
Que mientras estés conmigo no importa nada mas
Siempre y cuando aceptes y lo quieras de verdad
Monday, May 11, 2015
Como no sentirme mal si me haces sentir como un fantasma? Como si me ocultaras? Como si te olvidaras de mi tan solo aparece cualquier otra persona?
El tener que presentarme yo por que no lo haces tu hasta se siente mal,
Pienso será que no me ven?
Seré tan solo un fantasma enamorado?
Siguiéndote de lugar en lugar con mi corazón en mano
Tratando de captar tu atención
Tratando de hacer que me ames
Tratando de buscarle explicación y justificación a todo esto
Pienso será que solo no eres expresivo
Solo conmigo no
Entonces es verdad
O te da pena
O solo no es en serio
Y que mejor forma de no tener que dar explicaciones que simplemente negarme
Solo no aceptarme en tu vida
Y la idiota romántica sigue soñando contigo
Sigue esperando su cuento de hadas
Espera sentada al príncipe azul que prometiste
El que sabe que no llegara
El que siente que no merece
Y a donde se fueron tantos años de levantar muros?
Tantos años de trabajar en mi, de hacerme fuerte
Para dejarte entrar, tirando muros, rompiendo piedras
Escuchando y creyendo esas palabras tan dulces que decías
Esas miradas que lograron hacerme creer
Y ahora tener que luchar por un te quiero bien escrito
Tratando de que evites mal escribirlo, por que se que eso es trampa,
Eso es decirlo sin decirlo
Decirlo sin sentirlo
Y ahora me quedo, enamorada, sola, triste, y tratando de sostener los pedazos de mi que caen al vacío
Y no se que hacer
No te puedo leer
Que haces de mi?
Que soy yo para ti?
Un fantasma intruso, molesto y vergonzoso
Monday, May 04, 2015
Lo que toma años construir se cae con un segundo, con una mirada
Lo que después de mucho tiempo juraste y creíste, ves como lo tiras sin pensarlo dos veces
Y cuando tratas de escapar de tu mente, de esta realidad,
Descubres que ya no es tan fácil, que sentir hace más difícil el viajar
Tienes que quedarte y lidear con tus sentimientos
No puedes solo cerrar los ojos y desaparecer
No puedes olvidar todo lo que sientes, por mas que trates aunque sean cinco minutos,
Para poder lograr descansar
Puedes recordar por qué no crees en cuentos de hadas, en historias de felices por siempre,
De historias clásicas y modernas de amor
Pero sabes que en realidad es lo único que has deseado
Lo que has estado buscando
Y lo que sientes que nunca encontraras
Y vienen los sentimientos como una ola golpeando contra un muro
Te acuerdas que fue lo que te hizo iniciar a sentirte así hoy
Y te preguntas por que? Por que debe ser así?
Por que debo enamorarme de golpe, tirar todo lo que tardo años en formarse
Por que debo amor mas de lo que me aman a mi?
Pero es que así es
Siempre vivirás en ese mundo de hadas
Siempre soñaras con un príncipe azul
Siempre desearas ese gesto de amor puro y real
Y siempre despertaras igual
Ahora dejemos que el llanto nos arrulle
Thursday, April 23, 2015
No es ni enorme ni nada,
Pero encontrarme rodeada de truenos me pone ansiosa
Aun después de tantos años siempre tengo la necesidad de contar entre cada uno
Poder saber que se esta alejando y no corro riesgo de que me alcance
Mas siempre me preguntare que pasara, que haré, si en vez de alejarse noto que se acerca
Ahorita me encierro en casa, por mas que quiera dejar la puerta abierta y oler la lluvia
La puerta y ventana cerrada son mi defensa ante ella
Me hago bolita en mi sofá, junto a mis perritos que también tienen miedo
Les digo que no pasa nada, que yo los cuido,
Pero aquí estoy gritando con cada trueno
Aquí estoy temblando y contando entre cada uno, solo para estar segura que se aleja
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Quiero contarte cada idea, cada pensamiento por absurdo que sea
Quiero que sepas que pienso en ti, y que es a ti a quien quiero invitar a mi mente
Pero los silencios se vuelven cada vez mas largos,
Siento que presiono demasiado, que te canso
Trato de controlar la urgencia de decirte que una abeja volo frente a mi
Por que creo que algo ya cambio en ti
Pasas segundos vigilando quien habla
Pero cuando estamos lejos a mi no me toca tu atencion
Cosa que me va dejando vacia, poco a poco me acaba
Que paso? Que hice mal?
Tus visitas se sienten forzadas, tu atencion obligada hacia otro tema que no soy yo
Donde quedo cuando hablabamos?
Cuando expresabas tanto por mi?
Los dias que me habias sentir que volaba de nuevo, que tocaba la Luna y regresaba?
Hice mal yo?
Se acabo la magia asi de rapido?
Te diste cuenta que fue un error?
O dime que esta pasando!
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
I was screwed up so bad, hard as I try, my mind keeps wondering off
Soo many messed up relationships, yet I could still get up
And then I met my breaking point
And then my pieces where scattered all over the place
Now, try as I may, I seem to be missing what little strength I used to have
What magical world I could escape to and fix myself
I can see the door, but it won't open
I try, I really try, but yet it creeps in the back of my mind
What ever evil took me down once, keeps scratching, and scratching
I miss believing in fairy tales
I miss waiting for my Prince Charming
Now what comes to mind when I try to think of a happy ever after,
Is how bad I'm I going to screw this up?
And how long before he leaves me?
I keep trying a calming way
Finding a place where I can be without my head
Stillness comes as I lay there, feeling the sweet breeze wash my tears away
I watch the trees dance to a melodic song
I can feel the sun caressing my skin as I close my eyes and just let go
The one thing I can be sure, is being with you does give me hope
Touching you does make me smile
Laying next to you I drift to a magical place where I once used to live
Holding you can shout up the meanest of my demons
But still not one is killed or vanished, they lay dormant for the time being, just waiting to get me alone
Thursday, March 12, 2015
No pensara en nada mientras se mantenga ocupada
Analizará cada situación aun cuan diminuta cuando este abandonada
Por que dejarme ser si puede jugar tan cruel conmigo?
Pero siendo ella quien escribe esto...será real lo que pienso?
Y así permanecera, dará vueltas, giros completos, y solo regresará al mismo punto, sin respuesta, sin solución
No puedo reclamar ya que la puerta está ahí, me la señala, la deja iluminada, pero no del todo abierta
Puedes preguntar...sal de la duda, veras que son cosas mías, que solo es paranoia
Y si no?
Y si tengo razón? Ya viste la lógica detrás de cada pensamiento obsesivo
Ya te explique por que pasan las cosas
Pregunta, sacate la duda
Sabe que no puedo, sabe que me retuerzo por dentro de tan solo pensar en eso, sabe que tiene razón, se que tiene razon
Si todos hacemos lo mismo, todos hacemos eso, tu lo hiciste, ves? Tengo razón
Pregunta, tu solo pregunta, y observa la respuesta orgánica que te dará lo que necesitabas, sabrás que tengo razón
Por que la respuesta verbal será mentira, lo sabes, lo se
Y termina con un: buenas noches, descansa...si puedes
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Return my spirit to where it once was
Let me smile, a sincere smile, I'm tired of hiding, I'm tired of crying
Help me be who I once used to be
Help to touch the moon once more
I'll give my wings one more try, make them not crumble beneath the weight
The light once shown upon me, be my guide, my path
O moon who once ruled me, be kind, be fair
Your story untold, stopped, at hoult, once more be told, written down it will be told
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Thursday, January 01, 2015
keep wishing i could close my eyes and wake up yesterday, just run down stairs, or look through the window, or kept on walking, yelling, kept on driving
i keep thinking maybe i should of walked/drove one more block, one more, and i would of found her
my heart keeps telling me someone will call, someone with a heart, a good heart will find her and call
my head tells me what i already know, the more hours go by, the less chances of ever finding her, of ever seeing her again
she was part of my plan, we were going to go away together, she was going to see the snow for the first time, get it tangled in her hair, jump in and out, have the time of her life, then dry off and sit by the fire (heat), we were going to go together on that plain, everything was going to be ok, because we were together, we had each other
and now all i want to do is sit still, go out again, keep driving, and then i start crying again, it stops, and i cant feel anything
maybe thats for the best, i dont feel pain, but i think of ending everything again, i tell myself someone will call, i will find her, i just need to keep going, see if i still have a job, eat (i keep forgetting)
and then i cry again
i tried doing my thing, one year of yoga, i was exited for today, i started a 30 day challenge, i tried, and i started crying again, how can i go on with my life if she is not here? she is not there to greet me and on standing bend, she doesnt lick the sweat of my face, she doesnt try to play when i do a low plank
im cold, then i forget
i want to sleep and i cant
i hug my other dogs, they are not at fault, but then i cry again
i keep going outside, all the way to the street, shell be there, trying to figure out which way to go, shell see me, shell run
but its empty
i cant scream anymore
my knee hurts, my arms hurt, my feet hurt
i dont know what to do
Monday, December 08, 2014
Despues de muchos años de evitarlo, de negarlo tal vez, hoy vi el final de buffy. Aunque suene extraño, o poco creible, no lo habia visto, no lo habia querido ver.
Siento que una parte de mi murio hoy, siento que se acabo parte de la magia. Todo este tiempo, mas hace años que ahora, el final lo rehacía segun mi estado. A veces moria y la elegida salvaba al mundo, otras ella triunfaba. En ocasiones casi todos morian, habia dias que ninguno. A veces acababa con spike, pero la mayoria regresaba con angel, pero siempre podia cambiar el final, rehacerlo a mi gusto, a veces simplemente omitia la ultima temporada y continuaba luchando por siempre, contra el mal, a veces peor que otras, unas tan solo misiones sencillas de cazar vampiros sin ningun poder especial. Pero hoy se acabo. Hoy vi a anya y a spike morir, hoy mori un poco yo.
Te platico esto por que tu eras spike, no en el sentido pleno, pero siempre quien creyo en mi, quien no se burlo, quien me daba alas a seguir soñando dentro de ese mundo. Fuiste a quien ame pero nunca lo hice en realidad, y aun asi no dejaste mi lado, quien me regalo un llavero que hizo en forma de estaca, y una estaca de tamaño real que sigue colgada en mi cuarto.
Hoy pierdo una parte de mi, un sueño que tenia, una ilusion, y se que tu entenderias, tal vez me consolarias.
Esta carta tal vez la reaga un par de veces, probablemente no, y algun dia me anime a mandartela o platicarte de frente, aunque creo que se quedara aqui, sin leer, solo para poder darme un poco de tranquilidad y calma mental (llegue a casa con ansiedad, con sensacion de vacio), asi que puede que haya cumplido su cometido con tan solo salir de mi cabeza, pero nunca se sabe, a lo mejor un dia si te hable para platicar. Gracias
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
It get harder to stay awake, to be me, to avoid going into daydreams, to stop fantasizing about everything. What keeps me happy is my mind, a mind that lets me be someone else, one that doesn't exist, one who I actually like, one that lets me be the characters in the books, that lets me dream amazing things, so that I don't want to wake up, a mind that makes my daydreaming soo real, too real, where I can smell, taste, and even touch, making this reality confusing, sometimes imaginary, maybe the dream I keep having in my other life. It becomes hard to stay here, to remember this is where I am, that I can't actually stop and let myself be completely taken by what I want it to be, what I dream, what I creat it to be.
It's not the first time I creat a world, a perfect world, one where I run off to and hide, where I can be happy, where I enjoy being me. It starts with an idea, a wish, and it builds from there, suddenly the smells are real, and if I come across them here, I'm taken back, a fall through to my own magic place, and coming back gets harder each time. As time goes by, I can taste the food, I can enjoy the drinks, and before I know it, I can even touch. I can feel. I'm there.
When I know I'm gone, when I know it's real, for me, is when I know the people in my world can feel it too, can touch, can smell, and they look for me.
I've tried anchors, looking up players in this play, keeping in mind that they are real, that in this world we don't meet, knowing they have a life, completely separate from me, not knowing who I am, not wondering who or where I might be, it's what helps me stay here. But it gets hard. I start making this facts fake, I start making this life and theirs the lie, and then I go deeper, I am gone.
I am now lost, separating the lie from my life gets harder, I stop listening to people because I'm gone, I don't remember parts of drives because I don't drive them, it's not me, I'm somewhere else. And I wish I was.
Thursday, July 03, 2014
Seeing you get curios, wag your tail, run and play, was all I needed to be happy.
Pups grow soo fast, and you did too! We were told you would be small, at best medium, but you grew, baby, you were big. :)
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Sunday, July 07, 2013
Friday, July 05, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Sunday, September 02, 2012
i cant separate the feelings
i needed to keep reading
i needed to end
i couldn't go on with out knowing
i needed him to be alive
i needed her(me) to live and realize what i knew
i feel the need to close my eyes and escape to that world,
the one that feels real
the one i want to be real
another reality just doesn't seem posible
doesn't interest me
i need to go back
i need to forget the now
the who i am
i need to be someone else
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
con diferente escenografìa pero historia similar
uno de esos sueños en los que me he visto extraviada ultimamente
con inicio normal, como cualquier otro sueño
pero se desarrolla dentro de un mundo alterno,
un mundo de miedo
estos sueños se han estado presentado màs seguido
donde no distingo mi realidad de esta
trato de incorporarme, de detenerlo
mis piernas responden pero no estoy despierta
me levanto dentro de mi mente, camino ahì
es unrato antes de que perciba que no me he despertado
y es ahì cuando me veo a mi misma,
dentro de este mundo, como si estuviera atràs de un vidrio
y no me puedo despertar
me veo caminar, hablar, hacer cosas
pero no logro despertarme
a diferencia de otros sueños donde un movimiento en falso me levanta de golpe
pero aqui me encuentro perdida, hasta atrapada
no descanso porque estoy despierta sin poder reaccionar
y cada minuto que transcurre descubro lo oscuro que es este mundo
lo peligroso que puede ser
Friday, July 13, 2012
hace menos del año se perdiò un amigo, aunque mi yo racional sabe que si una persona no es localizada dentro de la primer semana, las probabilidades de encontrarlo (desafortunadamente encontrar su cuerpo), son mìnimas, mi otro yo sigue con la esperanza de que aparezca
pero la razòn por la cual necesito escribir es la siguiente
no hay nada màs feo que buscar noticias reciente al respecto, y encontrar blogs donde la gente comenta sobre las situaciones en las que se encontrò envuelto, en como tomò decisiones malas en la vida, etc., sin tomar en consideraciòn que la razòn por la cual se crearon esas pàginas fue para brindar informaciòn a sus padres, personas que estàn concientes de estos sucesos, pero como ha de ser obvio para todos aquellos que son padres, se pasan a un segundo, hasta tercer plano en esta situaciòn
comprendo que ha lastimado gente, que robar no es lo correcto, pero no veo cual es la necesidad de escribir en los blogs donde saben que sus padres checan, donde solo reabren esa herida,
no pueden imaginarse lo que han de sentir al ver que hay una nueva entrada en la pagina, lo que revive su esperanza, que produce esa sensaciòn de estar a punto de caer? y tener que leer cometarios despectivos, que sean o no ciertos, no tienen porque ser agregados en una pagina diseñada para informaciòn sobre persona perdida.
yo se que hay personas que me van refutar esto, que no era buena persona, lo que quieran
pero no cambia el hecho que tiene padres y hermana, que tiene amigos que saben por lo que ha pasado durante su vida, situaciones que lo llevaron a tomar malas decisiones, decisiones que en su momento se sintieron correctas, pero al tratar de corregir, al tratar de escapar esa vida, no le fue posible (que digan lo contrario, que digan que si es posible, yo les contesto que mienten, como doctora se que no se trata solo de decidir cambiar, o que veas que haces mal, se requiere de mas, y lamentablemente en muchas situaciones, hasta cuando se cuente con apoyo moral, con familia que se preocupe, que haga hasta lo imposible, no es posible ayudar a esa persona!!! )
ojala fuera como en las peliculas, donde la persona tiene un momento de clara realidad, donde el amor es suficiente para ayudar a una persona, pero eso no es realidad.
las personas que opinen distinto, que se dediquen a hablar mal de el o de otras personas, viven cegados, viven soñando con un mundo estilo hollywood (que bonito serìa no?) pero viven engañados
por favor, si no tienes hijos, piensa en tus padres, estoy segura que los quieres y que por nada quisieras que ellos pasaran por esta situaciòn, y menos que tuvieran que leer sobre los errores que has cometido durante tu vida
ahora, si, estoy de acuerdo que hay personas que pudieron tener una vida ideal y aùn asì tomaron malas decisiones, y si, hay personas que son malas sin razòn aparente, pero esta es la cosa, yo lo conocì, yo lo vì crecer, yo se que el no es una de estas personas, asì que por favor, limitense en sus comentarios, no se conviertan en personas que lastiman, no estan siendo mejores que los que roban o atacan, estan mentalmente lastimando gente y esto puede ser peor (busquen informaciòn sobre bullying, no se limita a molestar en la escuela, lo que ustedes hacen, es exactamente eso!!!!!!! aunque no sea su intenciòn)
sooo si no les gustò esto, pues esta bien, yo solo ocupaba platicar, sacar lo que traia en mi mente, y con un poco de suerte alguien lo entiende y le gusta, o mejor, alguien cambia su forma de pensar y sentir, aunque sea poco, ojala
si leiste esto, gracias
Sunday, July 08, 2012
i prefer that world filled with magic and never ending stories
last night was one
i met someone who worried about me, even when he didnt know me
even when he was elsewhere, going about his life,
he took time to talk, to question, to listen
it was filled with people from the past, and some from the present
it was part of the fantasy i wish upon every night
filled with questions that have no answer, i need to make a decision
i thought i had figured it out...but it turns out its sunday...
means you dont work today...
my decision was made for me i guess
Thursday, July 05, 2012
i visit past memories and they don't fit who ive become
where is the magic that helped me create?
if i try really hard i can still feel it deep inside,
but i cant reach it,
i cant touch it
i have the painful need to create
but i cant
i may be stable, i might be that person I'm supposed to be
but i don't feel like me anymore
i don't feel the need to grow,
to follow my dreams
I'm fine as i am right now,
and i know that's not all I'm meant to be
i cant make my self start
i just don't feel inspired
maybe i need some time alone,
some time for me
maybe i still need help
maybe i need to quit,
to go back,
let the dark take me in
and just learn to control it
maybe... that's not it
and a recurring thought keeps hitting me
and if it weren't for you
i might be gone now,
its just so strong what you make me feel,
I'm scared of what would become of you if i left
i know maybe you'll be ok, but if not?
and then i think maybe it was a way of protecting myself,
surrounding myself with all of you so i wouldn't want to go
i need help but i don't want to ask for it
I'm scared i will keep lying and end up the same
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Thursday, September 01, 2011
Puex muerta d calor ya q tuve q apagar todo aki en el centro debido a q la luz quien sabe q tiene q
Sube y baja el voltaje dijeron, y q apague todo pq se puede quemar
Snif snif yo q estaba viendo are you being served? (Awesome!!!)
Sooo a ver q hago ;)
Ya extraniaba esta pagina
Monday, November 01, 2010
miss the smell and feeling happy with my candy even if it tasted really bad ja!
missing listening to music and just drifting away...
missing writing...just writing
and being able to paint
cant do that any more
dont know why
feeling half asleep half dead...
Sunday, June 28, 2009
u spend all ur time trying to be liked by everyone
u forgot about me
its like u dont love me anymore
or now that u have me, u dont have to try
but i cant take much more of living in this world
where all that matters is u
all u care about is being liked
all u want is to be everyones one and only
and if u keep doing what ur doing
ull end up alone
ull end up without me
and ull cry
cus theres no one like me
theres no one that can fill my place next to you
and u better know this
u dont want to chance just because u would feel powerless,
nude to the world
and u know u want to chance,
and u know u dont want to loose me,
but ur too scared
and yet im going...
i see it getting worse
i feel it going wrong
my insides feel dead
my outside wants to die
i dont know how much longer i can keep this up
i cant keep smiling every day
i cant keep living every day
its too much
and its not fair
i get to live with this
i get to deal with this
and everything else
and no breaks for me
no special treatments
no help can be given
i feel too much pain
i cant keep it up
Saturday, May 03, 2008
y sin poder resistirlo me dejé caer en sus manos
permiti que me cubriera con una cobija de hielo,
que acariciara mis mejillas con copos de nieve
me dejé envolver en su manto,
dejandome ir de este mundo,
olvidándome de la realidad,
tratando de descansar,
muriendo un poquito más
Saturday, April 12, 2008
When I saw your face
You told me how proud you were,
But I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside
But I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide
'Cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, ooh
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, oh
If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself..
By hurting you
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
ill be yours if you just say
but in this moment i am gone
i dont know me, i think im lost
a bit confused
a bit out of course
you say you want me
but i cant see
you just dont help me
im still so gone
i know ill break you
if youre not strong
and as she sang:
you know im no good
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
chance y le guste a alguien juajua
además d q fue lindo leer cosas del antes, y q triste q ya no me sienta así no? o es bueno? juajua naaaaaaa
Monday, September 24, 2007
declaro que he amado, y he perdido,
declaro que sonrio, pero por dentro lloro.
Declaro que he engañado, y he sido engañada,
declaro que he mentido, y he sido expuesta,
declaro que he copiado, y he reprobado.
Declaro que puedes confiar en mi, pero en ti no confío
Declaro que me he matado, pero mi cuerpo no ha querido
declaro hoy, quiero y amo, pero mi amor es prohibido
Saturday, September 08, 2007
mi apoyo, mi fuerza externa, acaba d romper mi corazon
la imagen, la idea, la persona q pensaba q eras tu
la destrozaste con un par d palabras
con un comentario
con ideas q me demuestran q quieres saber mas
pero no quieres saber la verdad
que quieres vivir en un mundo idealista
un mundo rosa
pq me acabas d demostrar que esa idea q tenida d ti,
esa persona inteligente, en quien podia confiar,
con quien podia platicar...
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Tal vez no sea tan fuerte como aparento
Tal vez de vez en cuando necesito un abrazo
Tal vez hasta amor
Acaso reflejo lo q siento?
Provoco q mis temores se vuelvan reales?
Acaso me veo tan mal como yo pienso????????
Por qué cuando tuve un semestre d total y completa hueva es hasta este semestre donde no tengo tiempo ni d soñar, q mis neuronitas (si, en diminutivo para q se sientan queridas) decidieron encenderse y hasta d más, y en vez d dejarme concentrarme sólo en lo q debo comienzan a formar una tormenta???
Siento como si la humedad externa del dìa fuera una manifestaciòn d lo próxima q està mi caìda, como si cada dìa q pasa las horas se van alargando, el sol va tomando fuerzas, el aire comienza a prepararse, para un dìa, cualquier dìa d estos, tomarme por sorpresa, asotarme y dejarme caer muerta ante nadie
Será q no puedo estar con alguien? q utilizo lo q necesito, gasto lo q ocupo y luego lo tiro? sabrán q hago esto? por eso estoy así? por eso siento q nadie me ve? por eso quiero llorar? por eso me siento sola? ...o solo estoy fingiendo?
necesito amor o lo odio?
pero esto sì se, esa canciòn q està sonando por todas partes, y hasta la he puesto en mi nik es para ti, pq has sido un amigo, pq t quiero mucho y lamento haberte lastimado, pq supiste perdonarme y ahora tengo alguien en quien apoyarme y tu igual, pq aprecio un chingo tu amistad y me haces falta en estos momentos en los q necesito llorar, en los q necesito platicarte tantas cosas q pasan x mi cabeza, necesito q oigas mis ideas irracionales y las entiendas, q escuches con atenciòn mis sueños y sepas q son reales, q me des calma y me acompañes a las estrellas, pq eres el ùnico q hasta el momento ha comprendido còmo es q puedo llegar hasta la luna, porque t extraño mister y no tengo nadie màs q me entienda como tù
y esto no es un reclamo, sòlo necesitaba tratar d vaciar un poco mi cabeza pq tengo muchas otras cosas màs importantes en q pensar okas??
Sunday, July 22, 2007
pero con las varias que he platicado...se me hace màs fàcil contestar "bien" a la pregunta, q contar que pasa... ademas d q siento q estoy esperando a q llegues para hablar contigo
por alguna razon q no comprendo necesito desahogarme contigo, necesito contarte q pasa, pq tu comprendes como me siento, pq tu entiendes pq me siento asì, pq tu aceptas q me sienta asì
y la vdd, tmb pq no tengo ganas d contarle a nadie màs q no seas tu, pq algo tienes, pq algo pasa cuando hablamos q me da paz, tranquilidad y seguridad
y ahorita no hay algo q desee màs q un abrazo tuyo, esa sensaciòn d silencio absoluto, d calor, d saber q no lo haces solo pq es lo correcto, q lo haces pq quieres, pq sabes q lo necesito, pq tmb lo necesitas
regresa q necesito hablar, regresa q hace mucho q no t veo, regresa pq eres d las pocas cosas sinceras q hay en mi vida
regresa pq si no me quedo con el regalo q t traje he? :p
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
mmm puesss el clima esta super rico, jaja la cala en camiseta y yo en sudadera jiji
aaa el dìa d hoy me hizo desayuno...jajaja primero iban a ser hotcakes, peeeero kedaban crudos x dentro jiji asi q hizo huevo...
mmm puessss ya luego escribire mas, lo prometo keko jeje para q veas q si cumplo y aviso q hago XD
waaaaa nos vemos en un mes!!!!!!!