Thursday, November 28, 2013
After I was told you would die, I wanted to be with you every second. It couldn't be, I had school and classes in the afternoon, but I do know I did what I could, I even took you out in your bed, I know there's a picture, I'll find it and ad it. We went to a dinner at a neighbors house, and even if the dad hated animals, I don't know if it was mom or dad, but he let you in, you couldn't walk anyway. Soo it was you and me baby, every day.
Trying to smile as the days go by, gets harder every time. The choices I've made get tangled in my head, and gets me wondering if I'm doing the right thing. It's a battle between what I like and what I want to do, and what I don't want to do. Starting up again seems the only way, but the sane part of me makes me stop. I don't want to hurt, I don't want to hurt myself, but it's getting harder not to. I've given myself 10 to 15 years, I can't go before, I love them too much, I won't quit on them, I won't let them alone. I know I need help, but I'm tired, it's been more than 10 years...I know what I need to do, I'm just too tired, I'm sick of it all. And my head won't leave me alone, won't even go to sleep. The saddest part is I've asked for help, and no one seems to care, help just doesn't come, sleep doesn't come, rest doesn't come.
Sunday, July 07, 2013
Before I write more, or just plain stop, I have to explain this. I got you on January, so the cold wasn't on our side, and you were the most beautiful dog I have ever seen, not a luxurious breed, a mutt I think it's called, and still, I wish I could see you run, sleep or play, for everything was soo graceful when you did it. I love you still.
I can't recall if it was the next day or the day after that, but I do remember my parents sitting me down, with their serious faces on, and telling me they didn't think you would last long, maybe wouldn't make through the night. I don't remember hearing something as dumb as that, that was just plain stupid, why wouldn't you? I was feeding you (mostly water and milk) and taking care of you, why wasn't that enough? It turned out to be true, what I thought, that is. We had each other, from the first day I knew I loved you, from that day I was going to take care of you, from that moment we were a family.
Friday, July 05, 2013
I took my doll bed, a baby's bed, put blankets and a toy, cover the floor around it with news paper and placed your food and water bowls there. We were in my room. You snuggled in your new bed and we both went to sleep, for about three hours, when you woke up, got out of bed and peed and pooed (diarrhea), drank some water and started to cry. I was already awake, you made a lot of noise getting out, so I got up to check on you. I realized you had gotten out, moved as close as you could to the water and went to the bathroom there. You hadn't moved from that spot. I picked you up, cleaned you and put you in bed, cleaned the floor, put more news papers and went to bed. Three hours later, we were up again. I guess I knew from the start, but until the third time, I realized (accepted) you could hardly move.
You went with us to were we took dance classes. Now that I think of it, we might of been picking my sister up (explains why I got my way soo easy). You wouldn't walk, soo I carried you around. In the car I had you in my arms the hole time, and you peed on me, which I didn't mind. When we got home, we tried to feed you, but after several tries, you only drank water, and I have the distant memory of my mom giving you milk. So bed time
I finally got the permission for a dog. I had to promise and sing a letter were I stated that I would feed, wash, walk and clean after you. My sister singed too, but she was younger. I couldn't wait and made my mom take us to a vet the moment there was time. There, various cages with different dogs, and in a big one, a liter of puppies, I can't remember how many, but I immediately saw you, smallest one there, laying in the far back, while the rest jumped, barked and cried. I don't know what my mom thought when I picked you, or how I got my way (I can't remember if my sister oppose), but I got to take you home.
I've seem to forgotten how to write. My ideas seem scattered and all mixed up, when ever I try, nothing comes. I keep getting sad memories, some real some I don't know. I keep remembering you, how hours went by when we were alone, hiking, looking, always looking for that door, that pass way to another world, a different reality, were we could be happy. But you were always happy, as long as we were together, as long as I didn't go. But I left you. I am soo sorry, I am still sad, I still regret every moment.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Has it turned out I will forever keep looking? Do I push people away? I think I do. I know I can only picture two, ok, maybe three, but still, I don't want this to be it. There most be more. What keeps me confused its the rest, what must I do next? Where to go? What to do? Is this it? Can I change anything?