Sunday, October 30, 2016

How can I forget??

I've just watched a tv show, and it has one of those eye opening moments (yes, I know, it's sad....wait till I tell you what show!!!) so I was watching crazy ex-girlfriend, and between all the weird stuff, it had one moment. And I felt bad. Why? Well, the girl got told something on the line of you deserve to be with someone that treats you good. And I felt bad. For me. I did a quick look at what the episode was about, and basically, that's me. It sounds bad, so let me get things clear: no, I'm not a crazy ex-girlfriend (weeeeellllll we've all acted a bit crazy once in a while im a right?? No? Just me? Ok then...) on track again please! So the girl finally got the guy, or so she thought. He basically says yes and then no (the reason has nothing to do with my case, cus she actually is, the crazy ex-girlfriend), but in my case, and maybe some of you, you get the boy after he tries and tries, and makes you fall in love and all is good. Then something changes. Usually between the first 4-6 months. I'm actually making this longer than I intended, so i will not go on about brain chemistry and love and crap like that. This was the point: I try. I try, i fall in love, I give, and the worst part is I don't ask in return. I just take what I get and bare and wait and hope I will feel loved.
And that's what hurt. I do deserve someone that treats me right. I do deserve to feel loved! I deserve a hug without having to ask for it. I deserve to go to bed with a smile in my face because someone cares about me and wants the whole world to know!!!
instead, I go to bed mad or sad. And that's not fair. I have felt guilty after finally speaking in my behalf and why I feel abandoned, unappreciated and completely unloved!
So i have to forget!
i have to let go!
i have to stop from falling for you when you finally throw me the smallest gesture, and I have, most definitely, have to start healing from you!

Thursday, September 22, 2016

French class

So I started French this week. It took all my efforts not to curl in a ball and cry when I went to register (tried doing it as simple as possible, ended up doing three stupid trips), but I enrolled and started on Monday. First day, some what ok (teacher needs a teaching class, but I think second day went a bit better). So today we went over numbers, not the whole class, just part of it. And at the end, the teacher did a girls vs boys who could write the numbers faster and correct (obvs). If you suffer anxiety, this sounds like hell! I saw myself tripping, getting all of them wrong, and so on, I was sweating by the time we started (about 20 seconds). And then comes the part where my competitive side comes out and I almost shout at the guy trying to beat me "yeah bitch!" Fortunately I caught myself in time and stopped at "yeah...!" Arms out, triumphant, and two guys asking why are you so intense? Like, wtf? It's a competition!!! And I'm not having an anxiety attack! I'll kick your asses!!!! And then one guy did have a mild attack and I felt bad for him but was to pumped to stop and try to help, cus we were winning. Yes, I suck sometimes. But I won! I mean, we won!!! So there!!
I did end up looking expectedly at the teacher waiting for her to say: and the overall winner is....but she didn't, and I was a little disappointed because she had a Reese's kisses on her table and really was hoping that that was the price, but I went out for tacos afterwards and didn't give myself acid reflux, so I'm counting that as my price, and a double win!
The look on the teacher did seem like she realized what a bad exercise that was (I wasn't the only girl getting overly competitive, and we bonded over that, at least in my head, so I'm counting it). Let's see if we get to do that again! But with chocolate please! Make me want it even more!!!!
Oh! And kudos to me for resisting the urge to grab all the markers, throw all but one, and scream: how you gonna write now bitch?! I did not do that!!!!!

Sunday, September 04, 2016

A buzzfeed video made me think!

Sometimes you'll find that something completely random affects you in a way you didn't expect. such is my case, I was watching buzz feed videos the other day (and I tend to find something and obsess over it, so I'm still watching them), and I saw a "when should you brake up with someone", in the single vs married vids. So maybe not a blow in the dark, I mean, it's right there in the title right? But when my favorite character (is it a character? I have no idea how to call them, actors? Personas? Help!!!) well, the single part of the video, said, point blankly, you should brake up when you first think about breaking up.
so did this make me break up with my partner? No, not really. But it did make me think. I've never been a quick break, strong, self-loving kind of girl. I'm more of a keep quiet, hold on, you can make it, fuck this shit!!!! Kind of gal. Yes, not ok, I'm well aware of it. Anyways, it did make me think that at least years back, it didn't take me long to end a relationship. I could detect when I was making excuses for the guy, mostly for my self (he's tired, he didn't want to, he loves you but, you don't deserve him), take some time to gather myself and quickly make the decision to end things. It would hurt, yes, but it was for the best. I was not happy, and clearly they weren't either, or why act like ass-holes?
But my last relationship, well, that was fun!!! I won't go into it much, basically I admitted that I had depression and anxiety, and used him as crutches, so it was hard to let go of a abusive and loveless thing. And that brings us back to now. I saw the video and I started to wonder, when was the right time to break up with someone?
How long do you wait to end things? How long is it ok to keep up with some (or a lot) of crap? I realized she had it right. If you think of breaking up with someone (really think it), it means something is not right. And being humans, the chances of having a real talk about that thing that caused the thought, or actually pin pointing what did, and being willing to change and/or fix it, are small, slim, next to none (don't get mad at me, some people out there are good at this, and are willing to hear and change if it's reasonable, obviously), so when you first think it should be over, it actually should be over.
Maybe you don't agree, and I don't live by this philosophy (yet don't call me hypocrite, I'm only emptying my mind here), but think about it. If something bothers you, and you're not able to talk it through, it will probably eat at you, slowly, maybe not every day, but growing, until to start to resent that person, until you end up wondering more frequently what the hell happened? Why are you begging for affection? Why are you constantly worrying he/she will end things? Why are you hoping they will? (Yet would be devastated and pissed if they did it before you) Why do you end up remembering how good it was before? (And hoping for it to go back to that) Why are you thinking more and more that maybe, maybe, you should brake up?
so just a thought
the video is on buzzfeed, single vs married, Ned and kelsey (who is the best btw), just in case you were wondering (and just in case you are easily led to YouTube videos to waste your day, in which case you are welcome!!!)
and goodbye!!

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Dysmorphia

I've struggled most of my life with my body. By that, I don't mean weight issues, twice yes, but i mean I've hated my body.
I always thought it was normal. You see girls talking about how they hate their bodies in movies and tv, and so you look at yourself and think, well crap! If that perfect girl thinks she's fat, I've got biiiig trouble!!!! And then my friends also complained about stuff, so it seemed the normal thing to do.
I grew up thinking I had a really bad, thick, chubby, squishy body. Even when I was doing 2 to 4 hours of exercise a day, yes, that much!
So what was wrong with me? What's still wrong with me?!
Yesterday I was doing cardio, I don't usually do that kind of work out, I'm more a yoga girl, but because I need it to control my anxiety and depression. And ten minutes into the class, I looked down, saw my belly, and had a full on anxiety crisis. I ended in fetal position on my mat, trying to control my hyperventilation and trying to stop the tears. At that moment not only was I thinking "what I'm a doing? Nothing I do helps me look good! Why even try?" But I went full on " what the fuck I'm a doing?!"
after I managed to calm down, I did a relaxing yoga sequence and managed to calm down. So what happened? Was my belly so awful? Was the work out too much?
Well it did take me a while, but I finally admitted my dysmorphia. It's not extreme (at least I hope so), but enough to not see what people say they see, and definitely enough to make me hate my body at times. But why? Plain old tv? Well...
i grew up being told I had a belly. More so, I was made fun for wearing spandex shorts at age 7. By my dad. And was constantly terrorized by him, even today, 24 years later, I use a ball to compare my belly at times; it looks like a swallowed a ball. I had anorexia for a year, never told anyone (while it was going on, told plenty after), and I hate tight clothes, I just started using yoga pants almost a year after I started yoga. I used to wear pants, and when I used the only yoga pant I had, I felt fat, stuffed in there, and I never left my house like that.
So today, as a part of trying to get better, hoping to help someone who's going through something similar, but mostly because I don't want to have a crisis every time I see my belly or a body roll, I'm accepting I don't see my body as it is, but as a distortion of what it actually is.
I want to change. I want to feel good.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Rant (love makes girls stupid)

So I have to vent. Mostly.
I've talked about relationships, not so much here I think, but a little, and what I've found is that love makes girls stupid (maybe guys too, but i lack the expertise there).
My friend wrote to me the other day, saying she had been dumped. Obviously I asked what happened, and tried to be supportive and caring; don't worry he'll be back, he'll realize what he lost, you are worth so much more! Bla bla bla
Thats it till she told me what happened. Basically they got into an argument that started because she made a face at something and things exploded after that. I wasn't there, but I'm guessing it was a bit more than just a face (he can't be such an ass right?) well, then she told me how he handled it, and basically he made a tantrum and dumped her. The main reason for the fight was what made me mad. Not cool. So I went from don't worry, to maybe it's for the best (yes I know, that's a big no-no when it just happened, we are blocked of all reason and judgment), anyway, they broke up, or should I say, they stopped dating.... This is where it gets interesting, or infuriating. She told me how much she loved him, how he was the one...not very relevant, except, that they've been going out for 6 months, never made it formal, he has been very clear about that, and a couple of weeks ago, they had a sort of "talk". He told her when they should think of getting married and having kids. At first she said she was confused, even scared, a week later she said she was excited and couldn't believe this was happening. Well...after the fight, she forwarded some of the after texts, and this were two of the things that really pissed me off!! He wrote: it's a good thing I didn't ask you to be my girlfriend last month, we would of broken up yesterday (they've been going out for 6 months!!!!), and then: I can't believe what a total psycho you are! And used that word to describe her on three more texts. I won't say she kept her cool, but she did not, at any point insult him or used emotional stuff to hurt him like he did!
Now, why the f are you talking wedding and kids if you can't make your relationship formal??
and then there's the first incident! One time they went out, ran into some friends of his when they were leaving the restaurant, when the check came, she took out her wallet since she had said: come on, I'll buy us lunch. He reacts by telling her, infront of his friends, to put her wallet away, that he is paying. She obliged, they got in the car, and after a minute of silence, she asks what's wrong, and he proceeds to yell at her: don't you ever!!! Do that again, specially infront of my friends! I'm the man, I pay.
Well uber man, my friend is older than him, working, and making good money. He is an intern, and is making less than a 100 dollars a month (closer to 50 actually), so his mom is paying for him!!! Where's you fucked up macho attitude now bitch?!!!!
yep, sorry, got a bit mad there
Well, now it seems she's forgiven him, well no, actually, HE forgave HER!!! They are back to dating, and she has basically said yes, it's ok to yell at me, yes, you can insult me and call me a psycho, yes, I'll do what you want, and I'll behave...
The way I see it, by putting a "future" in sight, he made her feel happy, calm, loved. And when he took it away, she was obviously lost!!! Who wouldn't? But that is no future!!!! She is willing to change but he isn't??? (That was in the texts, yes, she'll change for him but knows he won't change) How messed up is that?????????
I am pissed, I am mad, I want to help her realize how much she is worth and how little this asshole is!!!! I want her to know she doesn't have to settle, she shouldn't have to change, and that it's not love, it's the idea of love!!!
Well, I've rant, I know I should be talking to her, not writing it here (no she doesn't know this blog exist or I wouldn't be doing this), but I think she would feel attacked and get defensive, and we would end fighting, so can't do it right now
Thanks for your ears

Friday, August 12, 2016

Not sleeping but not writing either

I barely post. Sometimes I can get in a mood and post a lot, most of the time, I don't. I started this blog because I wanted to share most of what's up in my head, but found it hard after some months. If you look at my overall post, I was doing fine at the begging, then kind of forgot about it. I have a great excuse!! I was doing my medical internship and then my social service, it wasn't that easy to post on my blog (I'm still trying to get with all this technology mind you), and now, well now it's just me.
Here is how it goes. I love books, I've always lived books. I've always dreamed of writing a book. So why don't I? Same as my blog. I get in the way. I haven't even sat down and I'm already thinking I won't be able to write, or if I do, it won't be good. On my heads defense, because of my anxiety, I can start getting of topic and end up ranting about something completely different , and usually of topic. So back to my writing. Most of the day, it terrifies me to try and write, and sometimes I don't even think about it, until night. And when I say night, I mean 1-2 am when I can't sleep, and a whole new problem arises! I know I should sleep, I want to sleep!!! But using my phone or tablet (computer is out of the question here, but I do consider it sometimes) will wake me up even more. Then I think, well, if my mind wants to write at this hour, I could change my sleep/wake hours and try writing. But work, and responsabilities, and just thinking that I will get a "you JUST woke up?" text, that always makes me feel ashamed, I end up laying in bed, thinking I need to sleep and I'll write tomorrow. I wake up late and tired, and go throu the whole thing the next day. And when I think about writing on the next day, I've mostly forgotten what I wanted to say.
so this post isn't what I wanted to write at 2am. It's actually what I'm feeling now, tired, trying to remember what I wanted to say some hours ago, and thinking I can't sleep because I have to return to work at 2pm, and if I want to have breakfast and eat before, i should only take a nap, but those rarely go well for me.

oh hum! For now, I'll go get breakfast (which I've been thinking about since 10 pm!!) then I'll consider that nap.

Wednesday, July 06, 2016

Baby spiders in my eye!!!

So I got (maybe) baby spiders in my eyes.
It started earlier, I was doing a bit of gardening (which was basically cutting two dried plants), and as I left the hose to do its thing on its own, I went inside because I was draining coffee oil. I multitask, but mostly because I start doing several things one after the other and then have to run to move the hose before it spills, turn the oven/stove off, you get the point. So I was putting the last of the oil, when I noticed something moving right I front of my right eye, I thought it was a hair or a mosquito, but then I finally focused and ohmyfrikinggaaaaaaaad its a spider!!!!!!! A managed to put the stuff I was holding without freaking out and throwing it, and successfully smashed that mutantninjakiller spider with my hands, aaaaaand then I felt something in my eye. I ran for a mirror, because of course it could only be the baby spiders hatching in my right eye, and I would have to smash some more and then take a shower in pure alcohol. Turns out it was just the spiders web, the little ass had somehow gotten in my eyelashes and descended from there. I'm still looking into the mirror every time I feel something in my eye, but I'm guessing (hopping) I won't have hatching spiders waking me up anytime soon. I hope.

Tuesday, July 05, 2016

About love

So we basically become morons when we are "in love".
Let's be honest, we all have done it, maybe not always, but usually we do, and specially when we are with complete a..holes. What is it about people treating us like crap that makes us dumber and dumber?
when my friends seek advice in their love life, I'm usually very practical. Are you happy? Is he/she happy? Do you feel loved? Can you trust him/her? And stuff like that. But when it comes to me, I've found I tend to lie, a lot! And not to my partner, to my friends. I usually upgrade and adorne my relationship because I tend to feel ashamed. Yes, I get ashamed of my love life because it tends to be bad. Before I wrote this, I was having one of those rare moments where you are wandering what the fuck??! I'm I doing here. It seems the worst I'm treated, the more I try to hold on, and create a separate life than I'm actually having. How's that? Well, when people ask me, I only mention the good, and since the bad is usually greater, I lie. I exaggerate the good times, the funny moments and specially the romantic moments. I've had 0 romance in years. Well, I've been single for 5 of them, but I'm over a year in a relationship, and still, 0. But I lie. Everything is great, and beautiful and there is love all around!!!!! Yes, but it comes from my dogs, and mostly, my mind. So why? Why do we put up with such horrible situations? Not love. We become stupid. To hold on to the idea that the other person will realize what a great partner they have, how much you love them, and decide to change. Please tell me if it has ever happened! It doesn't. The worse part, is when it hits you, that those sweet moments at the beginning, was just him/her trying to make you fall in love. And once you fall, they don't need to try anymore, they forget about you, they only take. If you're strong and confident enough, you might mention it, and you'll get I'm sorry and I'll change, I'll make it up and give me another shot. So you do. But by then, you already know, it won't happen. And yet you stay. You wait. You hope. You hold on tight to the rare moments of affection and continue dreaming. By the time you finally realize what a crappy situation you're in, is too late. You are "in love". But the thing is, you are not in love with this person, you are in love with love, with the idea of love. And I blame, and always will, tv and movies. Yes, since I can remember chick flicks show us what love is supposed to be; you meet a guy, you fall in love, you might have hard times, but he'll realize how much he loves you, make a grand gesture and you'll live happily ever after. Bull shit. You meet a guy, if you're lucky his not a complete ass, and you'll have to work to make things work. But the chances of him (or her) not being an ass, are low. So, if you're lucky, you'll end things when they start to go wrong, and leave with a bit of dignity and some self love, if you're not, and usually aren't, you'll stay as you watch from some far away bleachers how your self love and worth go down down down, making it so much harder to leave, to end this soul consuming thing, and pick up what's left of you.
So why do we turn into morons when we're in love? I don't know. But it seems like hold on to a dream, and overlook everything until we are in to deep, and can't get out.
if only life imitated art. Or the other way around! We would be prepared (yes, there are movies out there not so chick-flicky, but few, and most do have a "happy" ending).
All I can say, is people lie, at the beginning of a new relationship because you want to be wanted, and during a, usually bad, relationship, because they're ashamed.

Tuesday, June 07, 2016

Spoilt dog

So I have four dogs. And I love them. And they are spoilt! Very, very spoiled.
I know I'm not the only one, and I'm not even close to the worst ones, but still.
i recently read, mind you, saw, a segment of Cesar Millan about this. And he said it was a type of animal cruelty, basically becaus you are not letting your dog be dog. At first I was kind of pissed, I mean, I'm not cruel to them! I love them! And I also have an on going fight with my dad about him wanting grandchildren and me having dogs...
Any way, I kept thinking about it, and it does make sense, and sometimes I excuse myself with many things (one is very old and has a hip problem, another one has breathing problems, the smallest one throws herself to the ground when I try taking her on walks, etc). So I won't make it long, I have insomnia (but that's something for another time), and my mind passed from when the new the expandables movie is coming out, and a dog a lost over 5 years ago. And every time I think of her, I get sad. I had her since she was a puppy, and she was with me throu university, I had her 6 years, and then she was stolen. Or that's what my neighbors gardener thinks. And today I ended up thinking of her, and how smart she was, and how much I missed her. And I remembered how she never got on the furniture unless invited. And how I now sleep with four dogs and a cat in my bed. And it hit me. When I lost her I started letting my other dogs on the sofa and bed, because I wanted them close. I needed them close. So im thinking maybe my guilt is hurting them, I'm spoiling them and not letting them "dog" because I can't have my dog with me.
Well then I look at them snoring next to my feet and I'm fine, I play with them, I don't humanize them too much (I think), but will make an effort to take to their needs.
And I will always miss my girl.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Hibiscus hair cleaning

yes! Just what you read! I've been playing with natural shampoos and ways to clean my hair for over 2 years.
It's been a mess!!! 😆 I tried bs/acv it was horrible!!! My hair was soo oily!!! And dry!!! My hair was crying!! 😕 I read about the transition period, I waited over 6 months (that's commitment!!!) and nothing. After that, I read about the ph of both, a blogger did a test (since a lot of no pooer claim the water balances the mixture) it took a dilution of another dilution (un cup bs 20 cups water, then 1 cup of that in 20 cups water to even make a difference in the ph) to make enough a difference! Ok, not the point of what I started writing...
So I had read about using hibiscus as a shampoo. The recipe called for dried hibiscus flowers, grind them to a fine powder, then make a paste. I made hibiscus water a couple of days a go, so i figured, use the flowers for the shampoo!! I put them in the blender and made a "paste" đŸ˜¶ This made me feel really good, very ingenious!! Well....my shower is not speaking to me at the moment 😒 Yep that big of a mess. As of the results? Well, it took a looooong time to get rid of the pieces of flowers jiji, then I did a acv rinse, since it felt a bit mm pasty? Anyway, my hair is a bit greasy, not as much as it gets with castille soup, but some. It's still drying, so I have to wait.
For the meantime, I'll grind the flowers before if a keep experimenting with this 😕
If someone has a shampoo that works, please share!! 😊 Let's trade recipes

Friday, May 13, 2016

Me

I get it now
You have been saving her spot
Then why hurt me?
Why make me save her space?
Why make me fall in love soo deeply?
Why make me hurt soo?
I asked for truth
The one thing I asked you was to tell me the truth, however painful
But lie after lie after lie after lie
Here I am
And what can I expect?
Lies
Looking at her
Glancing
Remembering me at the last minute (at least you did)
And it hurts
So I ask myself
Where is the strong girl?the fighter?
Where am I????

Friday, May 06, 2016

Bad dream

A recurring nightmare. I'm somewhere else, with people I know, and others I don't. A place for research it seems. It's getting dark, we go to our rooms, I have a roommate. Our next room co-workers? Are up and about. Something is outside. They are playing, drilling holes in walls. I'm scared because there's a snake next door, I'm afraid they'll let it loose. One goes up the wall, and opens a hatchet, he gets dragged outside. Quickly. No more sound. We stay still. Hearing. There are steps in the roof. Someone, something is trying to get in. Is trying to get us. The whole house is roused. Someone goes out to find our friend. He is taken too. We close all doors and windows. I make myself wake up, but I'm very sleepy, I can't make real from dream, and this scares me more. I fall asleep again, and I pick up from where I left. There is something on the roof. We are scared. I'm scared. I don't move. I've returned to the dream so I make myself wake up again. I'm dreaming I'm dreaming I'm dreaming. I dose off. There are people gathered at the back door, the one next to my room. They want to go outside. We should wait till morning. We do, but morning, day and evening go in a second, we are back at dawn. Standing next to the door. Someone ties a rope around his waist, and the other end is tied to an older, bigger man. He goes out. No sooner he is out, the door closes, the rope is pulled, fast, to fast, to hard. The man gets its off just in time before he is decapitated. We are lost. I wake again. I don't want to dream this anymore. I'm reassured by my dogs next to me. They sleep. I sleep again. I'm back. We are remembering we were given a sort of fountain, on of those "zhen " garden types. But there was a warning. It was either cursed, or you had to do something, keep it from filing, to avoid the curse. We can't remember, but just like that a girl, her I know, I've known her since we were little, she is little again, she runs outside, meaning to empty it. We hear noise, steps, hooves? I wake. Please! I don't want to go back!!!!! I'm sure I can try to stear my dream away. How wrong I am. She is gone too. Everyone is scared. Something is trying to open the door. The other door. Did we check windows? Doors? Draw the curtains! We sit in the living room. I know this living room. It's changed. But the big window at the end is still there. We sit. We wait. There's noise, wind, branches. I wake up and I make myself sit down. I hear something, outside my door. My dogs still sleep so there can't be anything. I make myself get up. I need to move, I need to open my door, I need to see.
I don't want to go back to sleep. I'm scared.

Wednesday, April 06, 2016

Sleepless nights

A sense of impending doom.
Sometimes that's how your whole day feels like. So you can't gather the strength to get dressed and go out. It can get so bad, that instead of going 5 blocks to the supermarket to get food, you eat whatever you can find. That can go from pasta with tomato sauce, if you're lucky and you still have useful things left, to pasta with just an oil and salt and pepper "dressing ", to cereal without milk. For dinner. And when you sit down and eat your delicious meal, you think to yourself: nice! I make something out of a bad situation, I didn't even have to go out. But when you're done, and it hits you, you couldn't even go out to get food. Have the smallest of interaction with people, and get food. You'll rather eat dry cereal than get out of your pajamas and go out. This makes you realize what time it is. Most of the day is gone by now, so actually trying to do something just doesn't seem worth it. It's gone. So off to bed we go, trying not to give in and stay awake most of the night, so you can get a good night sleep, wake up early and seize the day! But when you finally put down the book you're reading, helping you escape reality, it's almost midnight, and you lay awake trying to ignore the diferente voices in your head telling you how much you suck, and much you'll  continue to suck, no matter what. So this wakes you up even more than you already are, and decide that no, you won't suck! Tomorrow you will actually do something!! You'll stop being afraid! Stop pitying yourself and do! And now is almost 2 am, which means you will not wake up early, and the voices laugh at you, not hard, they are laughing at themselves thou, but just enough for it to hurt, and make you weak, and fold in half as you lay awake in bed and start feeling bad once again.
Let's do this again tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Downward spiral

As the month ends, it's clear my insomnia is back. I tried brushing it off, and blaming stress, specifically triggered episodes, but now I know better.
And the paranoid thoughts are becoming more constant, more hurting and harder to distinguish from reality
I spent 99% of my energy yesterday cleaning just one room, that was 20 minutes, tops! The other 1% was spent trying not to go back to bed. After an hour, it was spent. So I slept. I made myself wake up, because my roommate came home, and I was ashamed of her seeing me like that. Then I had some more energy, so I decided to go buy things I needed and had been pushing back. Forgot the ink cartridge, and didn't know the number, so that was a wasted trip. And made me not at home when you went by. So I tried to sleep. After 3 am I gave up. But today was the same. I just feel like letting go. Giving up. I had a quick thought of crashing my car, good thing it was just a second and it passed.
I feel lost.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Insomnia is coming

The horrible part of feeling you should be doing more with your life, not because it's not enough, but because it's what everyone else is doing. It's expected.
But when I think about it, an overwhelming sense of doing something I don't want to comes over me. Then, a feeling of complete failure if I even try, and letting down so many people, and hearing others say that was expected of me.
I feel stuck, but just because I was forced to think about it today. Yesterday I was fine. I heard my roommate how sad she felt, and how she didn't want to go to any of her jobs because they didn't fill her. And I felt bad, because I was thinking I was going to read that night, and was deciding what.
I love my job, maybe I could look for a better one (same field that's not even a question), but I don't want to think of my job as something horrible. I don't want to not want to go to work. I don't want my job to make me sad.
I know if I tried to do something more, I would love it. I always do. But I don't want to lose what little of me I've gotten back. I don't want to miss the simple days. Not again.
I don't want to stop reading again, or miss my dogs, or home.
I don't want to feel like this because of you! Because the main problem is that every time you "casually" bring it up, you make me feel ashamed, you make it sound like I've accomplished nothing, and that I'm a failure to you. I can't stop feeling anxious when I see the call, because I know how fucked up I'll feel afterwards.

It's been a month I think, that I've notice my insomnia coming back. It's not to bad, yet. But instead of falling asleep quickly, I toss and turn, and think and re-think. the I fall asleep, but it's a very superficial sleep, and I wake very easy, and that's when it goes wrong (the thinking ). I've tried just lying there. I know I'll make it worse if a grab my phone, tablet, book, but it's getting harder just tossing and turning.

Monday, February 08, 2016

Will there ever be trust?
If the beginning was founded upon lies
Can the love be matched?
If it was never there to begin with
Should you move forward and accept what it is?
If it was never true

The lying, the new age cheating, the ignoring and pushing aside
The pain that you let this happen, over and over, even if you like to think of yourself as strong
Hearing your heart break, every passing day
How horrible you feel when with a kiss, he puts it back together
To hold a bit longer, to take one more punch, to stand one more push
And you smile
For today maybe he realized he loves you
Today, he might see you as you see him
So you stand along him, supporting, chearing, caring
Even if he never looks at you
Even if you are invisible
You hold
You fight
And everyday you break

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Buenos dĂ­as
Hoy me quede dormida, la elli me despertó en la madrugada para ir al baño, debo ser mås firme antes de dormir en que vaya al baño. Al parecer me engaño
Y al soñar mi alarma, segĂșn yo tuve cuidado y le puse snooze, pero al parecer no, pues la apague
Pero eso me permitiĂł soñar. A veces asĂ­ pasa, los sueños mĂĄs vĂ­vidos que tengo son entre estos momentos. Son de dĂ­a. HabĂ­an casas, huĂ­a, zombies? No se, eso no era parte clave de la historia. Una casa en particular, no entre, pase de lado. Era una casa vieja, asĂ­ que imagine su interior. De ahĂ­ segui, de frente habĂ­a una casa adaptada a un cafĂ©, asĂ­ que decidĂ­ ir. Antes de cruzar la calle me detuve (en parte por el trĂĄfico), pero tambiĂ©n por quĂ© no traĂ­a un libro. Iba sola a un cafĂ©, y no llevaba un libro. Leer del celular es muy cansado. Pero conocĂ­a a la dueña, asĂ­ que igual entre, revisamos cosas viejas que aĂșn tenĂ­a, querĂ­a hacer una limpieza. Me llevo a la parte de atrĂĄs, y habĂ­a gente que conocĂ­a, de mis dĂ­as antes. Platicamos, luego llegĂł una amiga. TraĂ­a un tipo de helado/smoothie, no sĂ© que era, pero pude probarlo, asĂ­ pasa en mis sueños aveces. AsĂ­ que tratarĂ© de hacerlo, no se veĂ­a difĂ­cil. Luego me dejaron sola, iban por cosas. Me despertĂ©.
No es todo lo que soñé, pero lo que omito, es por qué duele mucho recordarlo.
Te soñé.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Buenos dias

Buenos dĂ­as corazon
Hoy llegue a casa y no me dormĂ­. No estaba tan cansada
Vi unas series, tomé café, y ahorita seguiré con el curso de uro
DespuĂ©s, iniciare el curso de Shakespeare que te comentĂ©, empiezo un poco atrasada, pero me pondrĂ© al corriente :) tambiĂ©n me inscribĂ­ en un curso rĂĄpido de disfagia, para dar un repaso y estar al corriente con el manejo integral del paciente. El curso es inglĂ©s, y tal vez varĂ­an los medicamentos, pero puedo comparar y mejorar mi manejo. AĂșn continuĂł con el curso de escritura, llevo escritas un par de cosas como parte de las tareas, y lo que podrĂ­a ser el inicio de una historia. Esto es nuevo para mĂ­, asĂ­ que veremos cĂłmo se desarrolla esto. Hoy trabajas en varios lugares, tienes poco tiempo para comer y menos para pensar. No te mal pases, llĂ©vate algo para comer entre clases. QuĂ© tengas un bonito dĂ­a

-hoy quería una hamburguesa. Pensé en pedirla, llevo días con antojo de una en especial. Y recordé.
ComerĂ­a una, en vez de la mitad de dos.

-buenas noches que puedas dormir, te extraño

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Buenos dĂ­as corazĂłn

Tendré que mantener mis saludos a medios separados
Pero dejar de desearte lo mejor, es algo que no estoy preparada para hacer
AsĂ­ que si no puedo dĂ­a a dĂ­a,
Te diré buenos días, buenas noches por aqui